“The Good Enough Parent” - How meeting your neurodivergent child's needs does NOT need to be ‘perfect’
One of the first frustrations I often hear from parents of children with autism and/or ADHD is,
“I don’t know if I'm even doing it right, I feel like I’m letting them down most of the time.”
In this instance, exploring the parent feelings are valid and necessary, but the most profound impact comes from a little psychoeducation…
The psychoeducation bit
As a parent myself, exposed to the vast research around attachment, parenting and my own experience of working with neurodivergent children, there can be a lot of pressure to get this right. Instagram and Tik-tok parent coaches flood my own feed highlighting how the way we were parented fell short and what is the correct way to do it now. It can be exhausting! Not only are you fighting against your own blueprint of parenting from how you were raised, but now you also have to navigate this new, ‘gentle parenting’ alongside a child whose brain and nervous system is operating differently. The new age parenting experts have got a point and are most likely giving great advice based on research, but this is often behaviour scripts to help support neurotypical children. You may have a child with PDA or executive functioning delays, communication difficulties and sensory overload and quite frankly, you may as well forget the advice you saw on Instagram on how to validate and gently move past your child’s meltdown, because the book wasn’t written for them!
What you need is to know that your child does not need you to be perfect, they need you to be Good Enough. The very fact you are reading the blogs, watching the reels and deep in research around autism and ADHD most nights is a sign that you are already good enough and you are already looking how to best support your child's needs.
And here is where the research can be helpful in re-framing and re-affirming how you really are doing a job you were not trained for in the best way you know how:
The Good Enough Parent
Donald Winnicott (1896–1971) was one of the most influential child development theorists of the 20th century. He worked as both a pediatrician and a psychoanalyst and found after decades of working with children and observing attachment that they really only need one thing. They need you to be Good Enough- NOT PERFECT.
As a baby develops, it is common that small manageable cues are missed by the parent to meet need. It is during these missed needs that the child begins to develop resilience, the ability to self soothe and the security that the parent will eventually come back and help. This develops trust in the world and safety. Furthermore, Winnicott argued that disappointment from the child actually leads to healthy development - in small steps and not chronic neglect!
The key to helping maintain the bond and supporting the development was the parent returning to repair the relationship with the child, co-regulation and soothing. Parents will get it wrong, do it wrong and that is normal. The Good Enough parent is not just permission to forgive ourselves when we missed the cue or got it wrong in that moment, but embodies the message that, ‘if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.’
The key take away
I will be the first to admit that there have been meltdowns and missed needs from my own children that I just didn’t get right because I was tired, overstimulated and not regulated myself. The flood of guilt that my child just needed a cuddle and I wasn't able to see that in that given moment is raw. BUT, the repair, I’m sorry, modelling my own attempt to regulate and where possible, asking the child what was going on for them - that is the key in helping your child move forward. Those are the moments that really bond parent and child, that build trust that you are doing your best, and show it is ok to get this wrong! This is where a child forms the view that generally, the world is safe and you will return to help. More often it is during these moments of self reflection that a new method and idea comes to us - the ‘why didn’t I think of that before?’ The lightbulb moment of, ‘ah that's what going on for them, they can’t communicate the sensory overload!’
What is “Good Enough?”
But here for me is where it got really interesting. What constitutes as Good Enough? How many missed cues do I get before I am causing more harm than good? The answer may surprise you.
Research by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby around Attachment, strongly supported Winnicott's observations. One widely cited finding is that caregivers only need to respond sensitively around 30–50% of the time for many children to develop secure attachment. The most commonly quoted figure is about 50%, although some researchers have suggested that being "Good Enough" may require sensitivity as little as around 30% of interactions, provided caregivers repair moments of disconnection.
Take a breath for a minute and let that soak in.
I believe you are already meeting that 30-50% and are beating yourself up feeling like the worst parent on the playground because your child is running off, not listening or refusing to wear shoes.
The first thing I want you to remember is: Your child just needs you to be GOOD ENOUGH! The rest we can work on together at SENSE.
If you’re a parent who is new to neurodivergence and you need some practical, empathetic and empowering support with strategies based on SEN expertise and counselling - I’m here to help. I offer bespoke parent coaching using my SENSE Framework as well as provide Counselling support should you need some time for you. You can find a FREE pdf parent workbook that helps you work through the coaching programme in your own time in the resources section of this website. Alternatively,
Click here to book a FREE discovery call via zoom
